Kalvin, with all of his tween wisdom, has come to find “Yo Mama” jokes as the funniest thing EVER. And that pretty much sums up my Thanksgiving holiday

Kalvin:

Yo Mama is so poor when I asked her where the bathroom was she said “pick a corner”

Yo Mama is so stupid she thought Tupak Shakur was a Jewish holiday

Yo Mama is so fat they had to change “one size fits all” to “one size fits most”

Yo Mama is so ghetto when she breastfeeds kool-aid comes out

He makes me so proud.

Who made panties a mandatory piece of clothing and why do they keep riding up my ass causing me to repeatedly tug them out?

Let’s just say you have a dog, because if you don’t then you are a dumbass.  Everyone knows that “dogs are mans best friend.”  And yes I know that I am not a man.  I have looked in the mirror.  I’m aware that I don’t have a penis or balls.  Just go with me on this and know that dogs can also be womans best friend.  My dog likes to drag her ass across the carpet.  Usually after a poop.  When Lucy Lou does this I yell out “ewww… ewww…stop that!”  Mostly because I know Belle drops food on that carpet and then picks it up to eat it and…just…ewww!  I also wonder about worms.

Maybe her itchy butt is due to worms, maybe she feels the need to wipe, maybe she just likes to see me freak out and scream “ewww…ewww…stop that!”  Maybe she is having sympathy pains for me.  I spend a lot of time each day digging at my butt.  Those panties may look pretty but they   don’t fit my ass the same way they do the mannequin and I end up with a wad of fabric crammed up my bootie crack.  This causes me to indiscreetly dig at my butt trying to free the mass and at times I have scared small children.

I have often tried to wiggle them out.  I have stepped out wide and bent over to retie my shoe.  Neither of these techniques are effective.  It takes the good old fashioned reach in and pull out method to properly remove lodged pantie wads.  So I recently made a conscious decision to do away with traditions and ditch the panties.

I am not going commando.

I am deciding to embrace the wedgie.  There is no more fighting the lacy fabric that rides between my butt cheeks.  I will forevermore be a proud thong wearer.  The white flag is waving, I have been beat.  The acceptance of defeat has released years of tension that was built up.  If  “the fabric of our lives” feels the need to be nestled in my rear who am I to deny it?  By the way I did have myself checked for worms.  The test came back inconclusive.

P.S.  If anyone knows of a class action lawsuit against Fruit of the Loom please email me.

I heart Freddy Krueger

There are lots of movie remakes happening but nothing has me squirming in my jeans like the Nightmare on Elm Street movie.

Yes, that’s right Freddy is coming back to haunt us once again with his fedora covered bald head.  My heart is racing.  I keep flashing back to myself at 9 years old. Terrified to fall asleep because “One, two Freddy’s coming for you…” I remember I wasn’t allowed to see the movie but it was coming on hbo and my parents were sleeping so I sat extremely close to the tv with the volume really low and watched.  Horrified.  Terrified.  Mesmerized.  I watched the entire thing.  Then I could not let myself fall asleep.  I was fascinated with Freddy Krueger and frightened by him all at the same time.  This was the first truly scary movie I had ever witnessed and it was staying with me.  Now looking back the movie seems kind of cheesy and so 80’s.

I wonder if they are going to bring my favorite striped sweater wearing, sleep depriving, serial killer into present day?  He can’t be sticking his tongue through a land line phone. Wait does anyone even own one of those anymore? You know the actual corded phone that hangs on the wall and rings?  Yes, I’m talking about a classic phone ring and when you pick up that big, clunky receiver you hear this odd noise.  That almost irritating sound. The barely memorable sound is a dial tone.  So, if Freddy wants to lick the face of an unsuspecting teenage girl while telling her “I’m your boyfriend now, Nancy” he better figure out how to do it through an iPhone.  Is there an app for that? I’m sure there is and I’m going to find it and install it on Kylie’s phone cause she is 14 and likes to talk to boys.  Next time she is exchanging sweet words with a boy  I want her to hear Freddy’s voice and see his tongue coming toward her cheek.  Hopefully it will freak her out so bad that she won’t want to talk to boys anymore.  Boy problem solved!

I just took you sporadically down memory lane reminiscing about my love/hate/lust/disgust of a certain fictional, melted skinned, knife fingered, serial murderer.  Wait…do you remember the bathtub scene?

I cannot wait to see the new movie!

I may have to rethink my entire parenting strategy

I’m not the mom you will find combing the health food isle at your local grocer.  You will more likely find me looking at the reduced priced bakery items for good buys on cupcakes & those birthday cakes with the name spelled wrong.

What?  Like you never look at about to expire baked goods?

I don’t buy organic foods.  If I do happen to have something organic in my kitchen it is because it was on sale and less expensive than the regular version.

I feed my kiddos sugar like it has it’s a required food group.  Twenty minutes till dinner and Belle is whining for cookies…go ahead kid, have 4.  If bribing her with sweets keeps her quiet so be it.

Some moms look down on bribery.

I smile at bribery  and embrace it at every opportunity possible.  How the hell would I get anything done without bribery?

An extremely successful bribe includes a good helping of candy.  Any kind will work, but my kids prefer lollipops and gummi bears.  So tonight to get Levi to just sit still for a few minutes I offered up a lollipop and well…it worked.

But now I feel guilty.

I feel like a bad mom who didn’t think her plan through.

He was tired but he wouldn’t quit jumping around and whining.

I needed just a few minutes to get Belle settled in bed.

I didn’t think he would fall asleep…

And…..and how bad is it that I grabbed the camera to take a picture before removing the lollipop??

There may be no help for me!

Yes, I know he didn’t get his teeth brushed…

Yes, I know his entire mouth is bathing in sugar…

Yes, I know he could have choked!

My little mess-maker

Belle is a mess-maker extraordinaire and many of her messes involve smearing something onto her body.

Here are a few examples:

Using a marker to paint on lipstick- this is a classic look.

But if you’re going for the EMO look you might want to stick with basic black.

And a girl can’t do anything if she’s having a bad hair day.  Gel can work wonders!

A vital point to any beauty regimen is to have well moisturized hands.

What look is complete without a few tattoos?

If the tattoos just don’t work out you could try full body art.

While your looking your best make sure to feed the kitty.

Oh, and don’t forget the mik…

What you don’t see here are Belle’s beautiful work of art created by fingerpainting with maple syrup on the bathroom carpet, covering her lips and arms with black SHARPIE, her leaving thoughtfully placed peanut butter handprints on the kitchen windows or pouring bottles of fingernail polish on her sisters bedsheets.

What little messes have your kiddos surprised you with?

It’s nipply in here

Did you know they make fake nipples, like pasties?  I had no idea until today when I saw that someone googled “nipples turning pink/orange in dishwasher” to land on my blog.

I am not all that bright sometimes and can get distracted quite easily. Even in the middle of a conversation I will just switch gears and start a whole new topic.  But when I read the googled phrase I was trying to figure out how a woman would want to put her nipples in the dishwasher.  Then I wondered if they make fake nipples, so I found a few sites that do offer prosthetic nipples for women who have had surgery on their breasts due to cancer or other surgery.  And it’s awesome to see such a product out there.

Then I was talking to my friend about it and she brought to my attention that nipple pasties are mostly likely not washed in the dishwasher, and the person was probably looking for information about baby bottle nipples changing color.

Oh, I guess that is a more logical explanation.  But not nearly as fun!

How DARE she rain on my parade…

And the fake nipples I saw are perky, erect and will always give that it’s a little chilly in here look that women are  going for…wait that’s what men are always looking for.

Please share what funny, scary, horrific, or ridiculous search terms have lead people to your site.

Where can I buy a portable urinal?

Yesterday the kiddos and I were waiting in the drive-thru line when Levi says he needs to pee. This is where my pro mommy skills have failed, we were just going to grab some food and go right back home so I told the kiddos just climb in the car…so Levi has no shoes on.  And I am not carrying his 56 pounds into the golden arches to go pee when we only live about 3 miles away.  I tell him he needs to wait.

We get our order and head home.  About half way there I decide to sneak a bite of my hashbrown, so I am digging into the bag and it’s not there.  Then I notice that quite a bit of stuff is missing and Levi is really whining that he NEEDS TO PEE.

I pull over and double check the order realizing that we have to go back.  I ask Levi if he could wait until we get home to pee he says no.  Then he pleadingly says,  “I don’t want to pee my pants mommy.” Ugh…the thought of him peeing himself is just, well an awful damn thought!

So what’s a mom to do??

Sitting in the cup holder is one of those cute little Halloween cups we have and I had to convince Levi it was OK to pee in it.   He says “I think it’s illegal to pee in cups in the car where somebody might see you.”  I am thinking about our food getting cold and going to get the rest of our order and Levi is concerned about doing something illegal.  Priorities kid, priorities…

Belle is sitting in her car seat not saying a word, but the look on her face was enough.  She was totally confused, with her furrowed brows and mouth gaping open.

Oh, and Levi’s bladder holds A LOT.

As he is peeing into the now violated Halloween cup I see his pee rising quickly, almost to the top of the cup!  I start to freak out.  I have to make him stop peeing so I can empty it out.  This cup holds 9 oz. and he was going to over flow the damn thing.  I dump it out- in the street- and he goes right back to emptying his bladder and filled the cup over half full the second time.

No wonder the kid was about to pee his pants.  He was holding about 13 oz of pee in there.

When we finally made it home I threw that Halloween cup in the garbage, but we have 3 more just like it.  This morning I poured Belle some water in one and she said “I not drinking Levi’s peepee.”  So now we have no Halloween cups.  They are all in the garbage.

In honor Boobie Awareness month

It came to my attention just a few minutes ago that my boobies do not have names.  Apparently this is odd, as most women apparently name their boobs.

So thanks to@chibijeebs I visited the Boobie Name Generator.

My boobies are forever more knows as Cheech & Chong!

Post your boobies names in comments.  I could use a few good laughs.

Who the hell decides what gets stuffed into those little fortune cookies anyway?

The Teen Queen around here is Kylie.  She really is a good kid.  She helps out with the younger kiddos without much complaint and will often unload the dishwasher, albeit with an eye roll and a groan.

She likes to make silly videos with her friends singing along to music, take goofy pictures-often sticking out her tongue.  She enjoys watching all the tweeny Disney Movies & you can still catch her enjoying cartoons now and then.

But she is like most teens a very picky eater.  Her diet mainly consists of pepperoni pizza, hot pockets, chicken nuggets and pop tarts.  So when we decide to order Chinese for dinner she usually chooses not to eat.

This last time though, we ordered sweet & sour chicken where the chicken came battered and fried and the sauce was separate.  So it was just like getting chicken nuggets.  After dinner she was very excited to open her fortune cookie.  When she did I was floored by the message inside…

Are you freaking kidding me?!

She is 14, on the verge of major temptations and this is the highly inappropriate fortune she gets?

She was so excited, she laminated the damn thing.

YES, she really laminated it and taped up on the mirror in her bedroom, “So I can read my lucky fortune every morning” she said.

This kid surpasses all things excellent

Levi is in Kindergarten and he is dying to know how to read, but doesn’t want to do the steps to read.  He wants to just jump over the whole letters make sounds that combine to create words and go straight from letter recognition to reading novels.

This is driving me INSANE.

Levi gets frustrated at himself, then mad at me because I won’t “teach” him how to read.

But he can write his name and even make it out of playdough

Maybe we should seek help.

I am calling a tutoring center immediately.